our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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