before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
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Your cock deserves a montage
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize