Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
