Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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