hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
