i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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