Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
