his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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