There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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