i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
