I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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