Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
