My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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