Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize