I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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