I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
