dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
