I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
