My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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