I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
