im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just blew my weed a kiss
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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