so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
