Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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