Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize