Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need moral support for this bender
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
