The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
