did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sorry my hands just texted you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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