I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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