i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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