She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
