Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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