You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
All the doctor said was why
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
