it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
