Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
