If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
