the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
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I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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