apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We left an ass print on the piano.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
