I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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