Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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