having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
