YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
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I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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