her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
