I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
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Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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