I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
