broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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