we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
