just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They took my balls.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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