I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
