Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
