I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
