So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
