I need to stop coming to work sober
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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