Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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