On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize