I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
