so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
