hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
