while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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