"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
